Epiphany

epiphany (n) – a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2): an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3): an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure (4): an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being

God exists, we are God. We are part of God, because God is all that exists, has existed, and will exist. We want to become God. That’s what incarnation is. That’s what Jesus taught; that’s what every spiritual leader/religion taught in some way. There is One Truth and Many ways at looking at it. Our quest is to discover it. Our quest is to become God. We were God, but broke away. We want to return to God, nay, we want to become God. God is perfection. Humans strive for perfection. We evolved out of the cosmos to harness consciousness and re-merge. Loop back again. It all makes sense. It all makes sense, God Almighty!

Doubt creeps in: what if I’m making it more complicated than it really is. What if we are just as we are; nothing more, nothing less. Life loses meaning and purpose; our creation from nothingness makes no sense, all our works are for naught!

But why dwell in such a sad state of life; if belief in God feel good, feels Right, feels you life fulfilled, why destroy it? Empirical evidence shows us that once an individual has passed through the Gates of Death into the Unknown, they never return as the same on this Earth. Who *knows* what happens? Faith is a different story; it’s intuitive, emotional, subtle, non-rational, non-linear. God resides in the realm of Faith, not cold, voided Rationality. God is unknowable, can’t use pure logic; must use faith. God reveals certain parts, minutia to each individual; each spark. It’s back again — the epiphany! We are all acting in God’s oneness. The Tao. Go with the flow, bro. Just chill out, relax. Meditate. Breathe. Breathe Nature. Live in Nature. Nature is God.

They all make sense; they all tell a part of the story; Christianity, Taoism, Wicca, Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam; all of them tell a part. God reveals himself to all; some are just more keen then others; we call these people PROPHETS: Jesus, Mohamed, Krishna, Abraham, Moses, Buddha, Lao-tzu. Why kill, when all are one? Why fight with each other, when we are all brothers and sister of the same God?

But there’s still the Mystery of Death. Can we ever *know* what happens? I think the best we can do: leave this matter to Faith.

Snakes in a Lodge

Warning: rant ahead; grammar and spelling take a backseat.

When I joined the Freemasons, I was initiated into a brotherhood. I joined the ranks of great men such as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Rudyard Kipling, Teddy Roosevelt and Mozart. I joined to seek the mystery behind the whole thing, I joined to better myself. I joined so I could be apart of something greater than myself, something that would last a lifetime. And, for the most part, I have found it. I have met many great men and good friends. Men whom I would take a bullet for and that I could trust that they would do the same. I have found that I am not alone in my often eccentric beliefs, men who have been there and are willing to give me a helping hand. Men who make me better. Iron sharpens iron.

But, with all this good, I unfortunately find some real dirtbags. Men whom I could care less about. Men who I wonder how they even got past the West Gate. Now, I’m all about coexistence. If you want to show up for the pancake breakfasts and the fish-fry dinners and the morning coffee clatches, that’s fine. If all you want is another social organization, that’s fine. Just don’t devalue the organization I want to excel spiritually and metaphysically in.

What does piss me off is when the organization, both on the grand lodge and the lodge level, gets too political. When the meetings are all about who can back stab who and all the under-handed, back-room, Bravo Sierra I see happening. It pisses me off to see good men, trying to better the fraternity, get shot down, time after time. What pisses me off is when masons are interrogated about something that is legal and legitimate, and intimidated into betraying their friends’ and brothers’ trust and loyalty. And when they decide not to break those strong bonds of friendship and loyalty, they are further intimidated by veiled threats to a certain friend’s masonic career and to their own if they don’t back away from him. What pisses me off is when a mason who is upset over the results of a vote decide to pose thinly-veiled threats to masons he suspects (secret ballot, mind you) and call up the grand master on the LEGAL and LEGITIMATE vote that just happened, because he doesn’t like the results. What pisses me off is when the grand master decides to intervene on something that is lodge business and lodge business only. What pisses me off is that the whole conflict-resolution system is “old lady” style — backstabbing, gossip and building resentment. What pisses me off is that we can’t draw a Foxtroting line in the Golf Delta sand and shoot it out, then hug it out and forget it! Why can’t we resolve our problems like men? Why can’t we resolve our problems like MASONS? We are supposedly on the level, so lets start Foxtrotting acting like it and resolve our issues out in the open!

Enough is enough! I have HAD it with these motherfscking snakes in this motherfscking lodge! Everybody strap in; I’m about to open some fscking windows.

Clean Car, Clean Feeling

So I finally cleaned my car. I pulled out all the junk accumulated over the semester, put it through the car wash, vacuumed and finally cleaned the wheels. It felt good. I started with the trunk, pulling out all the leather that I had for the shield project (my trunk now smells like leather) and made a huge pile of books, paper, clothes (there’s where all my socks went!) and just miscellaneous stuff. When I got it it washed, it was dark, so I just about had the place to myself. I’m either a slow washer, or inefficient, because I chewed through at least $5 in quarters for the self-wash machine. Anyway, I finished that with a wax and then vacuumed out the interior. While I was inside, I went ahead and used some leather wipes to clean up the seats. I had a book that I left out in the sun, so it imprinted onto the back seat. Took it right off with the wipes. Then i aired up the leaky tire and used some tire & wheel cleaner to spiff up the wheels.

In the end, it looks really nice. I know this is mundane and almost non-blog-worthy, but it felt good. Sounds crazy, but cleaning the car changed my attitude, even fro a little bit. It’s uplifting to sit in a nice car. Keep in mind, this is WORLDS of difference from the student’s books in the back, fast-food bags in the front trash pit. Seriously, it got so bad that the shotgun passenger was up to his knees in fast-food bags. And then there’s the messy paper monster lurking in the back seat with papers that i can’t find and books that I never touch. Of course, the trunk is a black hole — nothing really leaves it. So finally, it feels like the first drive. It feels like the very first drive. Let’s see how long before I mess it up again 1

I’m in

I registered for classes this morning. Technically, it started at 5 am (and I planned to wake up then to do it), but I just got up and registered at around 8 am. Since I more or less had to wait two weeks since the first enrollment, I was itching to get into my classes without a hitch. Last semester, I barely got into the Org Lab with the professor I wanted (a new section opened up; Whew!), so I didn’t want to repeat that. I had my schedule all laid out, who I’m taking and when in an Excel spreadsheet. Today’s the day and I finally drag myself out of bed. Hell, I even daydreamed that I was enrolling. That’s how important it is to me (or how big of a nerd I am). I hop in my chair, log into the site and begin checking classes. The seminar in nuclear chemistry has 8 seats left. All right! I get in without a hitch. My next two chem courses are not a problem either (Quantitative Analysis and a chemical calculations course) and I get into the physics class with plenty of seats to spare. I finally check Neurophysiology. It was full. NOOOOO! I had gotten departmental permission to take the course, so I expected to be able to …well, take it! I decided to check out some of the other Biology courses. Hmmm…Virology looks interesting, lets see if it has any remaining… -13 seats? What? It finally dawns on me to do what the departmental secretary told me to do. I input the section number into the “Add courses” field (as opposed to just trying to check the box next to the entry) and hit enter. I get in. Rejoicing from above! I guess they overfill those courses and it’s a norm. Well, I check the members list and it feels like a high school reunion; I know alot of the pre-meds that are taking the course. I’m totally pumped for this. I hear that it’s really tough. I can’t wait for a class that will challenge me on the highest levels of the mind. I guess at one level or another, I want to feel that burn, feel what it feels like to truly struggle with a course and not just deal with busy work.

Anyway, I’m in, and that’s all that matters at the moment. Thank God.

New Blog Ideas

I spent the entire Saturday at Barnes & Noble. Well, in the morning I was at the Lodge cleaning up the roadside for the city clean-up day. (Apparently someone threw a penis-pump out onto the side of the road O.O). But basically, I spent 9 hours (noon until 9) browsing and reading. I came across a book that I will have to get online in paperback ($25.00 hardcover) called “The Year of Living Biblically” by A. J. Jacobs. Basically, it’s an agnostic Jewish writer who decides to live exactly according to the Bible, following every commandment to the letter… or at least trying to. It’s a good read and I’m going to have to pick it up somewhere, sometime.

I also read a book on Metals, specifically, metal work. Recently, I have been fascinated by blacksmithing and I want to do it sometime. Maybe a microforge (small-scale forge). The book had lots of color pictures, so it was pretty cool. It was $30, so I’m going to wait on that.

Mostly, I grabbed religious books to read. A copy of the Gita, the 11 principle Upanishads and the Taoteching came from the Eastern section. I grabbed a paperback of tha Koran translated into English (It’s not the Koran unless it is in Arabic. I like that straight-forward, no bull type of insistantcy on the OP). To top it all off, I went to grab a copy of the Bible. I was looking for something pocket-size, not ultrathin paper, NIV or NASB (preferably) and under $15. Couldn’t find one I liked. Found a couple $10 Bible with leather cover, but they were KJV or NLT. Later I learned theat NLT isn’t a bad translation. I didn’t want a contemporary Bible (like the “Message” or the “Street Bible“). However, I found a “Military Bible” for $20. I am and have always been fascinated with the military. That Soldier Ethos and that universal Brotherhood is something I have been seeking out all my life. Unfortunately, I’m morally opposed to the War in Iraq (not Afghanistan). Bummer. Anyway, the Military Bible had extra notes and prayers. I think it’s cool, so I might get one later anyway. In the end, I settled for a paperback Holman Christian Standard Bible. Not bad. I checked it out on Wikipedia, and the translation isn’t contemporary or literal, but something in-between. I figure it’s as good as any.

So, all of this brings me to a point. In the Living Biblically book, Jacobs mentions that his ultra-orthodox ex-uncle Gil is a “spiritual omnivore”, meaning that he picks up different religions. Well, I’ve been doing the same, so I thought with all these new books, I should start reading and thinking about them as opposed to just letting them sit on my shelf. And writing it down would help ground me and get me to do it more. I’ve lost that connection with God, I think, mostly because I only think of Him when shit’s hitting the fan. I think it will be good for me to start reading scripture again and praying about it. And of course writing my insights into the blog.

At the same time, I’ve been thinking of another writing project: Fast-Food Critic. Basically, I try different fast food s and rate them based on taste, health and cost. I won’t have to spend lots of money, I can do it during a luch break, and it’ll just be something interesting to do. Now, I’m not going to go all Super-Size Me on it, but since I eat fast food for lunch anyway, I might as well go for variety and try new things.

That brings me to two new blog ideas: Spiritual Omnivore and Fast-Food Critic. I don’t know if I want to stick them here or split it off onto a separate blog. Maybe this blog could be a springboard for other blogs. I was tihnking of repurposing this blog to my pre-med adventure, but I don’t know. These are just thoughts and ideas. Regardless of how I do it, I should start writing anyway and later sticking it up when I know how to do it. I need to make a schedule and stick to it (both scripture and food). I’ll start … now!

Urine Lab

So, yesterday in Physiology we did the urine lab. It was about 12:30 the night before when I finally remembered to grab a glass bottle for the morning. After filling it up, I grabbed another to finish of the rest. I seriously couldn’t tell it apart from the apple juice I had at lunch. Colorwise, I mean. Anyway, I measured its volume at 535 mL. It was more than some people, heh. Then, I drank a liter of distilled water and waited around for 2 hours before I took another sample. In the meantime, we did specific gravity and the dipstick. We did the whole lab report in class, so that was cool. Then, I had to pee, so we started grabbing beakers, and one of the guys said “Let’s be nice to the girls…” so we grabbed graduated cylinders instead I filled up 450 mL. Not bad.

Anyway, I have to go study. I got a 90/96 (he dropped a question) on my Org test. Yay!

Medieval Society

Well, the Med fair went well. I got enough people to cover everything, but it was tight. Didn’t get to walk around much. Not that it mattered as I wasn’t going to buy anything, but still. Anyway, I’m going to eventually tell the faculty sponsor that I’m not going to be president next year. I’ll get around to it…

Anyway, my classes have been going okay. i took my Org test Monday and turned in some Trig homework that day too. I spent the night doing trig…took about 45 mins to really do, just let is stretch out. Oh well. Anyway, I figure I can make a B or a C in the Pagan Euro class and make it up in the nex year. I spoke with a Bio prof about Neurophysiology next semester and she said it’s tough. It’s a neurosurgeon teaching the class and it’s alot like Med School (give a good idea). I’ll be taking 17 hours of science + 12 hours of lab assist work. And no Med Soc or Humanities classes. Yay!

So, Trig is looking like I can pull an A if I work hard this next test and the final. Org I know I can make an A. Physiology…oh wait! I have to do the urine lab! That’s tomorrow! I knew I forgot something. Quick! I need to find an empty soda bottle for when I get up…..Well, I know I can make an A in that. Pagan Euro I’m letting slide. Oh well.

Yay Science!

Okay, I’ve got some backlogged ideas and stuff. I always fail at journaling my day because I inevitably put it off and when I want to start up again, I have so much backlog to deal with that it becomes too much work. So, instead, I’ll start with today and work back as I need to explain details.

So, I got a scholarship today. Well, I got news that i will be awarded it later this month, but still it’s cool: $500 cash and $750 tution! Since my mom will pay back all my scholarships at the end of graduation, I’m saving them all up for the Euro trip i’ll take after under-grad and before Med school. More on that later.

Well, I took a physiology exam Monday and I think I got an A or a high B. I’m doing well in Organic and the labs. Not so well in Trig. I got a C on the last exam, so I’ll have to really crank it up for the final few weeks.

I came to an epiphany the other day: the Humanities stuff is icing on the cake of science that will get me into med school. I can forgo icing for cake, but the other way around leads to a crappy cake.

I’m Lab assisting next semester. Finally I get a job, lol.

Ugh. tired, want to talk more, but tired.

Life hits Hard

Life comes out of nowhere and hits you at a hundred mile per hour. You fall back, clutching you gut, reeling from the news.

The Docs found a tumour in my Grandmother’s brain. A large one. It’s times like there where I regret not going to here on a lazy afternoon and asking about some stories of her life. It’s times like these where I kinda forget my own problems and force myself together and get out there to face the pain of mortality.  It’s times like these where I don’t know shit. Seriously, this is the first major family illness. Others were just distant relatives or I was too young to really know. But as a young adult, this is coming at me hard and fast.

Because that’s how life hits.

Week in Review

So, on Monday, I got my Org test back. I made a 100%. Absolutely awesome. I can’t believe I pulled it off. I’ve been behind in my game for the past couple weeks, while Loud-wrong-and-annoying keeps taking center stage and kill-stealing my answers. I hesitate because of her; I don’t want to take the opposite side and find out she’s right and I’m wrong. Insecurities aside, I blew the test out of the water.

I also took the Physio test Monday. I felt really confident; it was this strange feeling of “this all makes sense and it’s basically trawling my brain for facts and info”. Anyway, got it back Wednesday and I got a 94%. That’s damn fine if you ask me. The only thing I don’t like is that he doesn’t let you take home the questions. So I have a scantron that says I did great, but I really don’t know where I need work.

Tuesday was a make up Org lab. I finished two labs completely, whech means I have 3 labs ready to be written up and turned in. I just need to dedicate time to do it. I’m excited that there’s a breath of fresh air.

Wednesday’s Physio lab was the EKG. Took longer to explain it then to actually do it. I got hooked up to the leads and we got a screen full of date, did some calcs and that was it. I passed out shortly thereafter, leading to a strange practice of going to bed early, waking up at midnight, staying up and then going back to sleep for 2 hours. I gotta change that.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ll take any Liberal Arts classes next semester. Why do I keep taking Liberal Arts classes? I’m good at science! Really good. My only B was in the Liberal Arts. In the past 2 semesters, the class I struggled the most to get an A was in the Liberal Arts. Why do I do this to myself? Seriously, the next semester’s schedule is up and I think I should stay in the Math and Science building. I’m not doing Medieval Society President again, either. What is life worth if you burn out too fast?

I seriously need a retreat. Maybe instead of summer courses, I’ll make a pilgrimage somewhere. And somewhere close, since I can’t spend any of my saved money (it’s going to the Grand Tour after I graduate). When I was going to sleep last night, I had a kinda panic attack. I suddenly thought “I’m trapped. I am born, live and die in a box. There is no freedom.” I see my self looking out from prison bars to the great outdoors, longing for the mountains and just nature in general. You know, they say that Males tend to prefer the outdoors and find spiritual fulfillment outside better than indoors. There’s a lot more on that, but basically, it’s instinctual to get outside. An I have been neglecting that. How can I break my chains?

Have you ever seen “Office Space?” No? Go see it. The guy breaks out of his chains when he stops caring. I care too much. I care about grades, about face, about reputation, about doing the right thing, about knowing the right thing, about the socio-political-economic situation, about the international field, about what will happen to Males in 5K years (will we die out?), about feminazis, about American Fascism, about whether God exists and to what extent, about just about every G-ddamnd thing on the planet. I seriously lose sleep over all that. The Buddhists were right. The Vaishnavs were right. Let go. Who cares?!

I don’t know how to let go. I just don’t. I have these material wants and no real reason to leave it. Except it’s hurting me. But I can’t just abandon everything, can I? I need to find a solution that works for me. I just can’t live in this vacation-stress-vacation-stress-more-stress-more-stress-insanity situation.

Anyway, I need sleep. The post on this Blog is edited from the OP so I don’t reveal too much personal info.